Resident Evil: Extinction

Rating:	★★★★
Category:	Movies
Genre:	Action & Adventure

I never have actually played the Resident Evil games, so I can't really tell you how the movie sucks compared to the game. I'm not really a connosieur of artsy fartsy "films" so I'm not going to tell you that this was a total waste of time and money and that they should never have made a film this stupid.

I like Paul W.S. Anderson movies for what they are; fluff pieces that are fun to watch. He's what Uwe Boll wishes he could be. I can honestly say I like the Resident Evil movie franchise. I thoruoghly enjoyed the first movie. I thought it was a nice sci-fi take on the whole zombie-eat-brains movie. The whole laser hallway and the evil queen computer... all good stuff. The down and out military crack team, surrounded by undead, picked off one by one. cool. And that dress. You know the one I'm talking about. They can put almost anything on Milla and she'd still look good (witness Fifth Element), but that dress was...

I was dissapointed with the second, though. Someone needs to teach Sienna Guillory to hold a gun. Her character was pretty useless wasn't she? And what the hell is up with the bad guy, Nemesis? He looks like something out of the WWE. It was just a mess from the start. But then, It's Milla Jovovich doing arnis, so... meh.

I'm glad the franchise has gone back to the tone of the first one with Extinction. Empty streets, instead of corridors, zombie crows instead of dogs (though there are your requisite dogs in this one too). I'm kinda on the fence with the whole psionic powers gimick, but there's the addition of both Ali Larter and Ashanti (though the latter croaks pretty early on) to the cast so I can't really complain. And you really can't go wrong with Milla Jovovich walking around in tight shorts with guns and knives and what-have-you.

Let's face it, that's really the reason anybody watches these movies. We could care less about the rest of the cast, as long as Milla does a few cool copiera moves and makes it to the last reel, we're fine with the price of admission.

1408

Originally posted on Sept 30, '07, at slangards.multiply.com

If you're not a Stephen King fan, you probably don't realize how bad a track record Hollywood has with his horror material. It's usually hit and miss, with Carrie on one end, and Dreamcatcher on the other. You also have the odd drama like Shawshank Redemption, and the odd pieces like Kubrick's Shining or Schwarzenegger's The Running Man that are great movies, but don't feel like King's work at all.

Lately, Hollywood's been content to feed moviegoers craptastic, sadistic gorefests and trying to market it as horror. Eli Roth and James Wan with their over the top, sequel prone franchises have been churning out product at a fantastic rate since Hostel and Saw first saw daylight, and from what I hear, it's not stopping. But it looks as if someone in Hollywood finally got fed-up with the hack re-hashing of the same story and the excess of blood. They've given the green light to several good horror films; Bug, Vacancy, etc. And I hear it's getting better with the upcoming 30 Days of Night and The Mist.

But to tide us over there's 1408. Finally a movie worth the name "Stephen King". The first time I saw this, was alone at 2am on DVD, but even on the small screen it still kicked all those other films butts. I was genuinely holding my breath at each scene, experiencing the hotel room with Enslin and not just watching. There's actual suspense, not just the occasional snap shock. It's not a movie where you're lizard brain is constantly on, telling you "we've got to get out of here! this is so bad my brain hurts". It's one of those rare films that lets you sit through it while your monkey brain picks it apart to no avail, and you're dog brain just laps it up.

You won't believe how claustrophobic this movie makes you feel. That's probably why it was so much more effective for me the first time (I feel asleep the second time in the cinema, but through no fault of the film). Imagine being trapped in a hotel room as ghosts walk around you and the shit hits the fan. Imagine knowing you've got 60 minutes till the room kills you and having no where to run.

Unlike all the gore movies, which I always exit feeling a little desensitized, really regretful and a little sick to the stomach, I left 1408 feeling pretty good. Which is really what you want from a good scare isn't it?

The Restless (Joongchun)

Originally posted on Sept 30, '07, at slangards.multiply.com

Every now and then, I pick up a DVD because I find the cover interesting. More often than not, I'll buy a foreign movie even if the DVD cover is in another language and I've never heard anything about it. Asian titles get a lot of this favored treatment, Korean films more so than anything else.

Korean cinema just has a unique slant to it in that their cinematic machine is based on entertainment. It's not like the movie scene here where everything is about awards, resulting in films so "socially relevant" that you want to blow your brains out. Or in the states where it's all box office all the time, pandering to the lowest common denominator. In Korea, there is a drive to put out product that is commercial viable, socially relevant, but most of all entertaining.

The Restless is one of the films that leans more towards the commercial side. It tries to be a lot of things to a lot of people, but doesn't really succeed. At the core, it's a story of two star-crossed lovers who meet again in Midheaven, a kind of purgatory, where souls must cleanse themselves before re-incarnation. It also has themes of deep fantasy, pulling things from Korean Mythology. It even borrows from Hong Kong action, though the filmmakers attempts to stage wire work battles are kind of feeble and disappointing.

The imagery of Midheaven, with it's colors and romantic Asian architecture is probably the best thing the film has going for it, which is why the drama scenes, though often over the top, still ring truest. Costume designs are a little derivative, borrowing a lot form Jackson's Lord of the Rings, but they are pretty impressive and can stand on their own. Effects aren't as slick as a Hollywood film, but since the effects aren't really the biggest draw, it doesn't really affect the rest of it.

I feel it works best as a romantic drama, and if you enjoy Korean tele-novelas, this would be a nice one to pick up for the weekend. If you're looking for a nice asian fantasy epic though, you're better off with something like "Volcano High" or my personal favorite Japan's "Ashura-jo no Hitomi".

Slither

Originally posted on Sept 30, '07, at slangards.multiply.com

Slither is a movie made for geeks.

It's that simple. If you're a geek, you probably know what I'm talking about. You probably laughed out loud at the squid-head stickers on the map as Sheriff Bill Pardy talks about where the alien will hit next. You probably couldn't stop giggling when that one posse member is sliced right down the center and his eyes go cross-eyed. You more than likely couldn't stop humming that air supply song when you left the theater or shut off the DVD.

If you're not a geek, I'm sorry, but this film isn't for you. You probably won't get the jokes and you're more than likely staring questioningly at your geek friend who is probably gripping his stomach, on the verge of tears next to you, laughing his ass off as the alien slug monster professes undying love to the Starla.

Captivity

Originally posted on Sept 30, '07, at slangards.multiply.com

I'll be honest. The only reason I picked this up on my weekly DVD run was because I've got a crush on Elisha Cuthbert.

You'll probably know this as the film whose poster campaign was banned because it was an image of Elisha being buried alive in a glass box. Trailers even played this up, saying that it was so "controversial" it was banned. It wasn't.

While the poster campaign (which ran mostly in bus shelters to get the most of the girl in a glass cage effect) was really great, and it was true that the posters were taken down, the movie isn't all that. It's basically a long CSI episode. Girl is kidnapped, girl makes a friend in captivity, friend turns to lover, lover turns out to be in cahoots with the kidnapper. Really all very predictable.

The camera work does nothing for the film either. The shots are pretty boring. Flat. Static. There's no real effort to give the film a claustrophobic feel, which would have brought it up a notch. Maybe create some suspense. There's a sub plot with the cops looking for leads to Elisha's whereabouts, but that's basically useless and doesn't further the story or the atmosphere along any. There isn't even any interesting procedural drama to catch your attention. These are some pretty dumb cops.

There's also no real pathos to the schemes Elisha is put through, no motivation, no purpose. Sure the kidnappers are psychos, but even Freddie and Jason had reasons for their sprees. Apparently, these guys just kidnap girls so they can film a private porno collection. The kidnappers are never really more than cardboard cutouts; demented dorks, who have to set up elaborate traps to get laid.

It's all very off-putting if you ask me.

Grindhouse

Originally posted on Sept 30, '07, at slangards.multiply.com

So I finally picked up the Grindhouse double feature; Tarantino's Death Proof and Rodriguez' Planet Terror. I gotta say, the wait was worth it.

Now, if you've never seen an exploitation film, you probably won't get the joke here, but everyone who has seen this stuff in late night tv (in the states, not here) or in one of those little low rent movie houses during the 80's will eat it up. The film scratches, soundtrack pops, and missing reels really add to the feel that your sitting in some rundown cinema watching a seven-cent movie. I loved the silly trailers, especially Rob Zombie's "Werewolf Women of the SS" and Eli Roth's "Thanksgiving". I loved the pus filled cannibal zombies. I loved the crazy car chase. I loved just about everything about this 3 hour opus.

First off is Planet Terror, an old fashioned zombie flick. Bruce Willis unleashes a bio-toxin upon Smalltown USA in an effort to find a cure for his men. It's up to Rose McGowan, a stripper with dreams of being a comedienne and her machine gun peg leg to save the day. Don't miss Tarantino as one of Willis' acrotomophiliac henchmen. Or Fergie on a hospital gurney with her brain pan empty. ewww...

Then after the aforementioned trailers, we move into Tarantino's Death Proof. It starts with a shot of Sydney Tamiia Poitier's feet and only gets better from there. Some reviews will tell you that the first hour of the film is all talk, and that's true. Tarantino indulges his penchant for long, uninterrupted dialogue on pop culture and movie/tv lore, but the mundane first act is what really brings home the horror of the second.

You're not likely to forget the car crash that ends the first half of the movie. The slo-mo replay as Jordan Ladd is thrown 70 feet, as Poiter's gorgeous leg is sliced off, as that annoying girl from CSI New York's face is torn off by Stuntman Mike's tire...

Let me tell you, that scene is still with you when Zoe Bell, Rosario Dawson, and Tracie Thoms kick Kurt Russels's whiny ass during the last act.

28 Weeks Later

Originally posted on Sept 30, '07, at slangards.multiply.com

I watched 28 Days Later when if first came out. I don't know why, but I didn't remember much of it. Maybe it was the English setting or the odd 3rd act, but it didn't really stick to my brain pan after I was through with it. I watched it again a few days ago, and while I must admit it was an exciting piece of work (Cillian Murphy is right up there in my favorite actor list), I still can't list it as one of my favorite films.

28 Weeks Later though is another story. This thing gets to you right from the get go. Anyone who's seen a zombie movie knows how slow they go right? How can you be scared of a creature who you can outrun by power walking? But the zombies of this franchise are infected with Rage, a disease that makes them act like sugar addicts on speed, with a few gallons of coffee and coke for good measure. Imagine running down a street at full tilt with a gang of Infected after you. They'll never stop, never slow down, never quit. And once you're dead, they'll move on to the next poor schlub, and you'll follow along with them... if they left enough of you.

That's what the movie feels like. There's a bit of exposition to get out of the way in the first act, but then after the intro sequence, you need a little breather anyway. Then once the outbreak begins, it's sit-back-in-your-seat-and-hold-your-breath time. They movie just keeps going and going and the body count goes up and up and doesn't stop. Gore fans will be satisfied. Suspense fans will love it. Your action fan Dad will like the military contingent and the big guns. Mom will love the drama that centers around the two kids and their Rage immune mom and their dad who is patient zero this time around. Basically it's fun for the whole family!

My only gripe is why is Rose Byrne always typecast as the bleeding heart girl whose always on the verge of tears, and why does she always die?

But then, that's not really the movie's fault.

Bratz

Originally posted on Sept 27, '07, at slangards.multiply.com

O-M-G! this was like sooooo cuh-wuhl! like, totally fetch! like all the Lindsay Lohan, Hilary Duff, Amanda Bynes and Anne Hathaway movies all like rolled into one! wowoweewah!

Joke!

WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!

The Eye of the World cover art by Darrell K. Sweet

Originally posted on slangards.multiply.com on Sep 17, '07

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIILLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*I'm still mourning over Robert Jordan*

Interior art from The Eye of the World painted by Darrell K. Sweet.

EEEEEEEEEAAAAAAUUUUUGHHHH!

Originally posted on slangards.multiply.com on Sep 17, '07


AUUUUUGGGGGGH!!!!!! (click HERE to see the reason I was screaming.)

Stooopid, stoopid author... he's dead! I knew it! I knew it would come to this! everytime another book came out and I got to page 850 and the hero was still courting some girl, and the shadowy forces were still amassing, and the armies of a thousand nations were still not where they were supposed to be... I had this sinking feeling and a little voice inside my head went, "wait a minute... there's only 100 more pages to this thing... he's not going to finish it this time either! I've read 1200 pages and I have to wait another two years for the next book! argh!". This has gone one for something like a decade and a half. Then he started those PREQUELS! argh! I've got all the books and every time I had this little episode, I had the sinking sensation that he would die before he would finish this damned story. I hate being right.

Now what am I going to wait in drooling anticipation for? Harry Potter? eeeeeeyyyyaaaaauuuughhh! *#^$&#(%^()!#&*#^*!$!%^*#%^*!#(!&)*(!!!!!!!w94572934719!!!!!

This blows.

Here's hoping he's as prolific in death as Tupac is.